


School rules

by Loki_Slytherin



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018), Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Archieverse, Comedy, F/F, F/M, High School, Lists, M/M, Sweetwater River (Riverdale)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:48:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29084154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Slytherin/pseuds/Loki_Slytherin
Summary: Hermione Lodge begins to teach at Riverdale high. And she regrets it. Also, some new transfer students from Baxter high might just be enough to finally drive her insane
Relationships: Archie Andrews/Veronica Lodge, Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz, Fred Andrews/Hermione Lodge, Hermione Lodge/Hiram Lodge
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

A list of school rules, published by ms Hermione Lodge

1; changing my name to ms Hermione Granger is banned and rude. I would never date Ron.

2; changing my name to Hermione Andrews is also not permitted. Just because Veronica is dating Archie does not mean I'm ms Andrews.

3; Veronica! how dare you tell the entire class I had an affair with Fred. That was a secret!

4: no, Mr Mantle, you may still not call me ms Andrews.

5; miss Blossom, while a lesbian Titanic does sound good, please do not try to make the film in front of me, during my class.

6: miss cooper. How did you get ino my desk?

7: hairpins are banned.

8: painting the school in rainbows is forbidden.

9; no, Cheryl, you are not girl in red. Girl in red can actually sing.

10; no I am not in the position to put your mother in detention Archie.

11; Mary Andrews objects to being forced to wear a Disney princess dress.

12: miss Topaz, how on earth did you manage to drive a motorbike into the school?

13; Mr Jones, why did you have to eat all the burgers in the cafeteria? Other people should be able to eat today.

14; Cheryl Blossom is a vegan. She does not appreciate a burger being placed in her bowl of chips, Mr Jones.

15: Mr Keller. You are not allowed to give Mr Fobarty a pair of fangs.

16; yes, I do know his first name is fangs.

17; who named you all? Jughead, Jellybean, Sweet Pea, Fangs? They are not names.

18: yes, I do know who your father is Mr Jones.

19; NO. no. no. me and Fp have never ever kissed.

20: miss Cooper, telling mr Jones that his father was too busy snogging your mother is just wrong.

21; especially when you and Jughead were snogging in MY class earlier.

22: yes, I did notice that. I do have eyes you know.

23: twilight ought to be banned. It is an abomination.

24: running around pretending to be Bella is not funny,

25; playing Vampire Diaries on projector in the middle of class is not funny.

26: miss Cooper, Mr Keller, Mr Fobarty and Veronica, I can assure you, Damon Salvatore is not hot. He looks younger than me.

27: miss Blossom, Mr Andrews, miss Topaz, Mr Jones, and Mr Mantle, Katherine Peirc e is not hot either. she's a psychotic bitch.

28: no, she is not less evil than the adults in Riverdale.

29; having an obsession with Archie Andrews is hereby forbidden.

30; while singing a nice song together is allowed, if you all decide to sing wish you were gay by Billie Eilish, could Miss Blossom and Mr Keller please refrain from singing wish you were straight loudly over the top of the others.

31; how did you manage to drown all the others out?

32; Ethel, I can assure you that Ethelhead will never happen. Bughead, yes. Vughead, maybe. Jarchie, maybe. Tughead, maybe. Ethelhead, never.

33; fizzle rocks and jingle jangle are illegal. Mr Fobarty, that means you cant walk around handing packets out.

34: or selling them.

35; even if my husband sold them to you.

36: miss Blossom you cannot shoot people if they do not do a specific whistle and hand signal.

37; you also cannot suggest a hunger games. We had enough trouble with kids killing other kids when Penelope decided to bring that fucking game back last year.

38: yes, teachers are allowed to swear, miss Cooper. Whatever your mother might say.

39: Mr Smith-Jones-Cooper- whatever your called, may I ask why you are in the school? You are an adult.

40; eww. Mr Smith-Jones-Cooper- Bond, saying you needed to talk to your brother because you found a tape of him and your sister having sex is not a good excuse.

41; okay. Fine. Telling the truth. Whatever. Please leave before I call the sheriff.

42; just because the sheriff is your father doesn't mean you can go around doing whatever you want. Why is everyone in this town corrupt?

43; yes. Veronica, I am completely aware that we are the most corrupt family.

44; although unlike Clifford and Hal, neither me or Hiram ever tried to kill you, so we aren't that bad.

45; don't test me veronica. I will commit a murder.

Hermione was fully aware that her list of rules had descended into a rather one sided conversation. Yes, one day at the school had driven her crazy. She wasn't sure how she'd survive tomorrow.


	2. Insanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oooops

Hermione breathed in a deep, shuddering breath. This could not be happening. She gazed down at the paper again.

Several students from Greendale were moving to Riverdale high school.

Hermione walked into the school, prepared for war. War, not magic.

46: miss Spellman and Mr Scratch, the bathrooms is not an appropriate place to make out.

47; neither is the cupboard under the stairs. Do you have any idea what was trapped in there?

48; no. it wasn't Harry Potter. It was a body, that Penelope Blossom placed in there while we were at school.

49; Miss Cooper. You are already bribing Riverdales mortician. You do not need to attempt to bribe Greendales mortician.

50; Mr Spellman, you are not allowed to accept the bribes.

51; Mr Kinkle, please do not run up and down the hall singing teenage dirt bag. That song is awful.

52; Mr Putnam and miss Walker, you are not allowed to join in with singing it.

53: miss night, how the fuck did you just turn into Penelope Blossom.

54; seriously what? What is a glamour?

55; magic isn't real.

56; holy shit magic is real.Hermione walked away from them and began pacing back and forth. Magic was real. Magic existed. Magic was a thing.

She tried not to freak out. It wasnt that hard to believe. Not really.

57; jinxing Mr mantles hair orange is not funny.

58; asking miss Spellman if she has met the devil isn't funny. Surely even witches haven't met Satan.

59; Miss Spellman, I don't care if your father is the devil, you still have to do your homework.

60; no, dying is not an excuse for not handing in your homework, mr Jones.

61: Mr Putnam, Miss Cooper. Stop arguing. I don't care if Miss Cooper interviewed someone who bullied you for an article, her facts were still accurate. All the kids from stonewall prep were idiots.

62; I can assure you, random drug dealers are not your love interests doppelgänger Mr Putnam.

63; regrettably, I can't ban James Bond. I wish I could, he is an arrogant sexist idiot. I can however, ban you making a list of everyone who James Bond would have sex with if he was investigating Hiram Lodge. Especially if you put both my and my daughters name on the list. That's just gross.

64; I can also ban you from making jokes about Jughead being Bond just because he died and came back.

65; singing no time to die is acceptable, however attempting to hang other students is not, miss Night.

66; Mr Andrews is not Ronald Weasley. I am not Hermione Granger. So you are not allowed to persuade him to ask me out.

67; or blackmail him into doing it.

68; miss night, asking whether miss blossom listens to girl in red is not a good way to ask her if she's a lesbian. She will just scream that she is girl in red. Its very irritating. Just ask her out.

69; no funny jokes about this number rule is allowed.

70; well you did ask her out in front of her girlfriend. What did you think would happen?

71; Zac Efron is banned.

72; why? Because I said so. he's annoying.

73; Miss Spellman, you may be the queen of hell, but you are not Katherine Pierce. Therefore you don't need as many boyfriends as she did.

74; no, im not a tv presenter on Friends. Why would I do that? I'm a teacher. In your school.

75: no, Hiram isn't in Friends either. Mr Spellman and Mr Keller, you need to get a life and stop watching Friends.

76; Mr Jones is not the child of Ross Geller. Why?

77; baby shark is banned.

78; baby shark dooo doo baby shark doo doo baby shark.

79; is banned. Prohibited. Forbidden. And so last year, Mr Scratch.

80; we are not recreating heathers. Put on a show, not re-enact.

81; aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

82; pink squirrels don't exist.

83; pouring pink hair dye onto squirrels is banned.

84; Billie Eilish is not the same person as Billie Jean King, Miss Spellman.

85; there never have been creepy dudes stuck in trees in the blossom farms. Unless you count Mr Blossom in the barn.

86; Miss Jones, covering the floor of the school in Jellybeans is forbidden.

87; even if it was revenge on your brother.

88; Justin Beiber is not a bad guy. Even if he sings he is.

89; nursery rhymes shouldn't be creepy, Miss Dorcas and Agatha.

90; baby sharks, mummy sharks and grandpa sharks are not going to swallow Riverdale whole. Sorry to burst your bubble, Mr Andrews.


	3. Wtf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermione's going crazzzy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's loads of gay jokes in this story ~ I'm gay.

91; Right. It is really rather confusing calling you by your surnames so I'm going to call you by your first names. Sorry not sorry.

92: You won't succeed in suing me on that, Sabrina.

93: Why? Because I am married to Hiram lodge. The most powerful man in Riverdale.

94: Yes, I will win a lawsuit. I can assure you that Hecate and Lucifer will not try to kill me.

95: Miss Jellybean. Please don't try to hack the school security system.

96: No, Mr Harvey, Miss Roz, and Mr Theo. I can assure you that the Fred heads to not want to perform against your band.

97: How do I know that? Because I was part of the Fred heads. Along with your Mum.

98: Mr Nick, Mr Theo, Mx Robin, Miss Night, Miss Topaz, Miss Blossom, Mr Kevin, Mr Fangs, and Mr Ambrose, joining an LGBTQ+ club is allowed. Asking Ms Andrews and Mr Charles Smith if they want to join isn't technically illegal. However, trying to kill Mrs Penelope Blossom is. Even if she's a homophobe.

99: The song parents by Yungblud is banned. We aren't that bad.

100: Okay maybe some of your parents are. I'm sorry, if your Mum tried to drive you crazy, your Daddy shut down your rum business, your father wanted your brother to marry your sister, your father shot your brother, your fathers a serial killer, your Mum sold you college fund to a cult or your father is Satan. I truly am sorry. But I am not about to undo the ban.

101: Miss Polly, I can assure you, your mother did not hook up with Hades.

102: I am also not hooking up with a god, Miss Sabrina. Teachers don't make a habit of hooking up with gods you know.

103: Can I prove it? I'm not Zelena Mills, Jane Foster or Sally Jackson. I also don't have any proof. I'm very sorry if your last teacher turned out to be Lilith, but I can assure you, I'm not.

104: Mr Alice Smith and Mr Fp Jones Sr are a bad example. We don't need a repeat Charles, Mr Jughead and Miss Betty.

105: I can assure you, Miss Roz, that there are no condom machines in the bathrooms here. How do I know? The number of half siblings everyone here has.

106: Heather Chandler is not a good role model.

107: Neither is Heather Duke.

108: No, Heather Duke was not in a teen TV show with Mr Fred Andrews.

109: Jason Dean is an even worse role model.

110: blowing up high school is forbidden, Mr Archie and Mr Reggie.

/

111: Mr Nick, Mr Archie, Miss Spellman, Mr Ambrose, Miss Prudence, Miss Veronica, Miss Toni, Miss Betty and Mr Jughead. I don't care if Mr Archie and Miss Sabrina hooked up. How this even includes all of you is beyond me.

112: Mr Jughead, I can assure you, Miss Sabrina is not a teenage witch on a TV sitcom.

113: Willow Rosenberg is not real. Neither is Hermione Granger, Bonnie Bennet, or Wanda Maximoff. Please, Miss Sabrina, don't try to bring them to you.

114: Wanda Maximoff, Hermione Granger and Bonnie Bennet did have boyfriend issues too, Miss Sabrina. Willow didn't only because she was gay. They can't help you avoid your issues.

115: Marvel is not an accurate representation of Loki, Mr Sweet pea, Miss Toni and Miss Prudence. He is not a lonely victim. He is the god of chaos, and you are not allowed to try to summon him.

116: dumping bodies in sweet water river is not advised. I really don't want to have my husband have to fake more water reports.

117: Miss Spellman, please refrain! I can assure you that Mr Nick is less issue than Enzo, Vision, Ron and Tara.

118: I would appreciate it if Miss Prudence and Miss Sabrina would not bring the mother of demons along and claim she is your step mother. She may well be the mother of your half brother Adam, but she is not your mother. That would make Betty and Jughead even grosser.

119: Members of the aforementioned LGBTQ+ group, please keep the songs you are playing appropriate. Girls by girl in red is, as is girls like girls by Hayley Kiyoko. Alanis' interlude isn't. Any song with "Your pussy is my wonderland" is not appropriate. I didn't think it needed saying.

120: playing every other song ever sung by Halsey or Alanis Morisette in protest is just going to piss me off. Seriously.

121: Miss Cheryl. Please listen to Veronica when she says "my Mom's a waitress Cheryl, not Fantine." I don't do that sort of thing. The same cannot however be said for your mother. Seriously, if you are going to try and insult Veronica or me you may as well not use insults that are more accurate when reversed.

122: Miss Prudence, you may not bring you twin brother and sister along too.

123: why? Because I am not a baby sitter.

Hermione Lodge took a deep sip from her glass. This was worse than being mayor.


	4. So what if I'm crazy? The best people are

124: Headaches cannot be cured by ingesting the contents of the bathroom, Mr Mantle.

125: Katniss Everdeen is an appropriate role model. President Snow is not. Please do not tell your sisters or brother to behave like him, Mr Charles.

126: On rule 26 I referenced that Damon Salvatore looked younger than me. It was a spelling error. He looks older.

127: Mr Andrews, just because Damon and Isobel hooked up does not mean I have any desire to hook up with you.

128: Mr Harvey, I hate president Trump. Hiram Lodge does not remind me of president Trump. Hiram Lodge may have his faults but at least he doesn't try to take away the rights of half of the people here.

129: Yes, Miss Prudence, I am quite sure that Sabrina's father cannot be worse than Trump.

130: Mr Theo and Miss Toni, burping wars are not a good pass time.

131: Mr Charles and Mr Joaquin could you send less time doing dodgy stuff and less time making out with your boyfriends and more time stopping your younger brother and sister from playing that infernal game.

132: Yes, Mr Charles, both your brother and your sister. Jellybean, not the other too. Polly is too busy making out with her cousin and your other sister is too busy making out with your brother to play that game.

133: Yes, Mr Nick, that should be illegal. Somehow, it isn't illegal.

134: I hereby ban anyone from introducing themselves as "The daughter of Hiram lodge who's mother isn't a catholic schoolgirl turned Fantine." seriously, that shouldn't even need banning Miss Hermosa.

135: Mr Jughead, Mr Charles and Miss Jellybean, just because your father's prison number was 24601 does not make him Jean Valjean. And no, we are not hosting a musical where the parents perform. Having Alice sing in Carrie was enough.

136: Mind you I'd be happy to play Veronica Sawyer if it meant I got to kill you.

137: Saying Fp Jones can't sing is true. Implying that you need to be able to sing to perform in Les Miserables is false. Sorry, Miss Betty, but you know I'm right.

138: Calling women Fantine is now banned.

139: My soul does not need saving, Miss Betty. I am fairly sure that Hell cannot be worse than here.

140: Miss Sabrina and Mr Nick, it is entirely inappropriate to host a discussion on whether or not Hell was worse than here. Mr Nick would appear to have quite a lot of PTSD and Trauma related his experience there, Miss Sabrina, so telling him that its really just a party is cruel.

141: Mr Archie and Mr Reggie, saying that it'd be better if Katherine Peirce was still the queen is gross and banned.

142: Nicholas St Clair get the fuck out of my school or I will personally slit your throat.

143: Miss Prudence, I would appreciate it if you could not tell Miss Veronica about the joys of Patricide.

144: killing people in self defence is not the same as murdering them as revenge, Mr Charles, Miss Prudence, and anyone else who has killed people.

145: Is there anyone here who hasn't helped cover up a murder?

146; It's parents evening tomorrow. And you lot are all going to behave. Or else I will team up with Hecate and kill you all.


	5. Wrote this ages ago and forgot to post. Sorry

147: Satan is not allowed to attend parents evening.

148: Neither is Penelope Blossom. That bitch is worse than Satan.

149: Mr Scartch, Mr Ambrose, Mr Fangs, Miss Toni, Miss Agatha, Miss Dorcas. You all must have some form of parent or gaurdian who can attend surely?

150: Miss Prudence, you cannot bring a head on a plate tpo parents evening.

151: On second thoughts, Satan is allowed. Perhaps he may be able to control some of you.

152: Or not. Miss Sabrina, Mr Ambrose, Miss Betty, attempting to steal bodies is frobidden. As is grave digging.

153: Attempting to hold a ritual to summon Lilith is unadvisable, but regretably cannot be banned, Miss Veronica and Miss Cheryl

154: Miss Veronica, and Miss Cheryl. Holdinga ritual to summon Mr Lucifer morningstar is even less advisable than summoning Lilith. At least Zelda can control Lilith.

155: Attempting to summon Hecate, Nemesis, Khali, Hela, Loki, Hades, Shiva, Lucifer, Lilith, and Hera is banned. Seriously, Veronica, I raised you a catholic!

156: Yes, I am aware that adultery and murder are both sins, Miss Zelda Spellman. Yes I am aware I've commited both. No, I won't convert to the order of Hecate.

157: Ms Mary Andrews, please listen to me when I say Archie isn't smart enough to go to college. Seriously, that boy tried to speel cat with a k.

158: Ms Penelope Blossom please stop tryiong to posion people. And please refer to rule 148.

159: Mr Charles and Mr Dorian the bathroom is not a good place to make out. Do you even go to school here still?

160: Mr Scratch, Mr Jughead does not appreciate it when you turn his head into a jug.

161: Miss Roz, Mr Theo, Mx Robin, you are not allowed to sing about Harvey Kinkle wearing no underwear.

162: Mrs Hilda Spellman, you are not Mrs Lovvett. Singing about being by the sea is a lovely sentiment, but rather distracting when I'm trying to tell everyone why we aren't doing another musical this year.

163: Miss Cheryl if your mother says you should make sure your out later so you have an alibi, please call the police.

164: Miss Cheryl, yes, the sherrif is corrupt. My husband and I do pay hyim off. Otherwise almost everyone here, including the sherrif would be in jail.

165: Miss Hermosa and Mr Charles, Miss Zelda, Miss Cheryl, Miss Jellybean, Mr Jughead, Miss Polly, Miss Veronica, Mr Nick, and Miss Sabrina, attempting to ruin Dorian's art is forbidden.

166: The picture of Dorian Grey is now mandatory reading.

167: Mr Joaquin, Mr Charles, Mr Scratch, and Mr Ambrose, hooking up with Mr Dorian will not win you an A+ in my class. It may make your various girlfriends and boyfriends a little annoyed.

168: Lord of the Flies, Heathers, Matilda, and the hunger games are now banned.

169: Miss Prudence, No I cannot stop you worshipping Lucifer. I can however, stop you bringing him along to lessons for the day.

170: Mr Archie, while Miss Grundy may have tought you that student teacher relationships were appropriate, they are not. Grundy belongs in jail. You need to stop trying to flirt with me.

Hermione Lodge rolled her eyes and drank heavily from her glass. Fuck this school.


	6. Oh no save me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk

171: Miss Zelda and Miss Marie, making out in the bathroom is banned. Even if it is supposedly in worship of some god. I'm sure Lilith doesn't actually need to see you two together.

172: Mr Nick, you cannot punch people for their religious beliefs. Miss Cheryl, gushing on about how Satan is a great guy is likely to result in Nick punching you. I can't say I blame him.

173: Mr Nick, saying to Miss Cheryl that you worship Ms Penelope Blossom is not a good idea for revenge.

174: Dante wrote about hell, Mr Reggie, not heaven. Might be worth reading before trying to be clever.

175: getting drunk at Dorian Grey's pub is not the same as reading.

176: letting a dragon loose into the school is banned, Miss Dorcas, Miss Agatha, and Miss Prudence.

177: Making videos of people being murdered is banned, Miss Penelope.

178: Making videos of tickle tapes is banned, Miss Toni, Miss Cheryl, Mr Kevin and Mr Fangs.

179: Mr Jughead and Miss Betty, making tapes of you being …. intimate is banned.

180: Mr Brett, it is illegal to film people doing intimate things without their permission or knowledge. Especially since Miss Betty is underage.

181: Mr Brett, it is illegal to sell those videos to a shop.

182: Miss Jellybean and Mr Ricky, making videos of people's houses is banned. As is recreating Jason's murder, recreating Jughead's attempted murder, or pretending to threaten each other in your sleep.

182: Mr Charles, attempting to murder Mr Brett for the previously mentioned tapes is forbidden.

183: Miss Veronica, bring up the tragic murder of Sheriff Minnetta is banned.

184: Mr Fp, insinuating I was the was the murderer, while technically accurate, is banned.

185: Mr Archie, the parents of Riverdale are not the adults in the film Clue. Saying that is banned.

186: Yes, Mr Archie, Penelope's job may be the same as Miss Scarlet's. Yes, I killed my lover. Yes, Alice acts like the perfect wife when really she isn't. Yes, Fred may have been accused of Adultery by the black hood. Yes, Charles may be a gay FBI agent. This does not mean we are those people.

187: You do realise both Penelope and Alice killed ex- lovers too right? So why am I Miss White?

188: just because we bare certain similarities does not mean we are them. You have ginger hair and you are incredibly dumb, Archie, does that mean you are Ron Weasely?

189: Making inappropriate references to Hermione and Ron is banned Mr Archie.

190: dying your hair in orange and green pinstripes in order to "Look more mature" is frankly stupid and banned, Mr Reggie.


End file.
